I think sometimes all it takes is one moment to break your heart into a million tiny pieces and wash all the worry, doubt, and negativity out of your body.
Today, that moment was around 9:15pm when A, who is a bit under the weather and has been down since 6pm started making noise. It just took me a while to figure out how to realistically explain what she does when she wakes up like this at night, because she doesn't actually wake up. She just makes the littlest squeaking noise letting me know she has lost her passy (pacifier) or her pup, and needs to be resituated in her crib.
So this evening, as I was looking through Zulily before bed in our office, which is directly next to A's room, I heard her little squeak. Naturally, I headed in to see what I could do to situate her for the night, and of course I dive at the opportunity for any excuse to check on her. I don't know how I ever let my husband talk me out of getting video monitors, but believe me they will be my gift to myself when we decide to give A a sibling.
So, as I walked over to A's crib and let my eyes adjust to the darkness, I find A snuggled against the back bumper amidst her yellow, blue, and green stars. I lean in to locate her passy, which is across her crib, and gently give it back to her as she sighs and turns her head away from me. It always makes me smile when I see her so sweet and sleeping because she looks as though you could just pick her up and snuggle her for hours as she sleeps, which is ironic because A has never been a snuggler. Still smiling, I pull her blanket up to make sure she is warm enough and giver her head a kiss, my natural routine before bed, when she turns her head and looks at me, just for one second, with her big blue eyes before they close again and she is lost in sleep.
In that one moment A has been able to erase my worries about getting everything accomplished tomorrow, whether or not I should take her to the sick hour in the morning, what my lecture will be on for my class on Wednesday, how I am going to fit a vet visit into our schedule and budget this week, and what I am going to make for dinners this week. It just took one tiny look from a tiny one year old to make everything wash away, and for me to realize it doesn't matter if we get everything finished, because we have the most beautiful, sweet, funny little girl and are the luckiest parents.
As I tuck her in a bit tighter tonight, I am reminded of the little glances, gestures, laughs, and moments that can melt your heart right there on the spot.