I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I never expected it to be like this...heart wrenching.
Yesterday, during nap time, a time which A normally loves, she cried for over an hour then talked to herself for two more hours, not sleeping one wink. The afternoon was better, she was almost herself, well minus the haze she was in from lack of sleep. We went to Babies R Us to get her a big girl present, this adorable little pink seahorse that plays soothing music when you press her tummy. And A was very excited about her present and kept telling everyone that she gave her pacis to the Paci Fairy.
I expected the tantrum to begin again when we started our bedtime routine, but she sailed through her tub happy as a clam. Then the real challenge came, books and bedtime. She snuggled her bunny, and not once asked for her paci, but you could tell she was just sad. The tears started flowing when we went to put her in her crib and lasted about 5 minutes before Daddy went up to comfort her. They snuggled and rocked, and again, not once did she ask for her paci. After a few minutes it was time for her to go back in her crib, which was again followed with sobs. But miraculously, not even five minutes later she was out cold, and slept perfectly all night. Maybe it was pure exhaustion that took over, but I could feel my body relaxing, as only music could be heard over her monitor.
I knew we would battle it out at naptime again today, so we met up with all her friends for some serious energy release. We let the kids run around the fields, play on the playground, and ride bikes all morning before settling down to a picnic lunch in the beautiful 60 degree weather!
On our way home A and I chatted like usual, and I could see she was pretty tired. So when we got home it was right onto our naptime routine...we let the dog outside, sat on the potty, then got changed for naptime. We read one book, like always, and A snuggled her bunny.
After her book I tried to put her in her crib as she used all her strength to clutch on to me as long as possible. Then the tears started...gut wrenching, big sobs that shook her whole body. I sucked in a breath, told her to have a good nap with the fakest smile I could make, then closed her door.
Standing in the hallway listening to her cry was almost unbearable. I was very tempted to grab every paci in our house and let her have them all. I mean have you ever seen a kid go to college with a paci...no, because they probably learn to wean themselves, or are scarred for life by their mothers taking it away at an early age. But no, I knew I had to stick to my guns.
Five minutes later of on and off sobs I went in to make sure she was settling down. We rocked, and sung a song, and snuggled, and every now and then she would break into a few sobs. I asked her what was wrong and she simply looked at me and said, "I am sad".
If that is not pretty high on the list of feeling like you are the worst mother, I am not sure what is; but as I held her tight and let one tear slide down my cheek, my heart broke for her.
And even as I sit here and listen over the monitor to her chatting to her bunny and reading her books in her crib, I know she is slowly getting over this loss. But to be honest, I am not sure I will ever fully recover from her first heartbreak.