I have been looking forward to sharing some exciting news with you all soon, but unfortunately, yesterday at the doctor, we didn't get the words we were looking for. Instead, we heard that the baby that was growing in my tummy, was just not meant to be. So, as we spent some important time together as a family, enjoying and cherishing our beautiful, healthy, little girl, we began to heal.
Am I sad? Of course. Not as much at the loss of the baby, but more at the loss of what will not be. I am sad I will not get to meet this baby, A's sibling this June. I am sad we won't be adding another cousin to the mix here in Baltimore. I am sad we won't be heading out to Canada to surprise family and friends with news of a new baby this Christmas. But more than I am sad, I am grateful. I am so grateful my body realized this baby was not meant to be and knew what to do. I am grateful I have a happy and healthy little girl, who is the light of my life. I am grateful to have such a strong and supportive husband, who has gone well above and beyond over the past 24 hours. And I am beyond grateful for the support my family and close friends have provided for us both.
I debated blogging about this, but then it dawned on me...this really is my therapy, and I need to write it all out. I avoided my computer as much as possible today, leaving emails unopened and my office light off. But after I went through everything else I do when I am deep in thought and stress, like cook, walk, and play with A, I turned back here, to my computer. So with a lighter mind and a full kitchen, since I made banana bread and muffins, a large pot of chicken noodle soup, and turkey meatballs in crushed tomatoes (I told you, I cook when I need to release stress), I am now feeling much more settled about yesterday.
And while I am completely terrified for tomorrow, and the procedure that will close this chapter, I am excited for what the future will bring for our family. So please send happy thoughts our way this weekend as we heal and become a little bit stronger as a family.